I am a person who believes that I can will myself
into anything, that I can just tap into my own strength and determination and
mind over matter any adversity thrown my way.
This year has been a powerful lesson for me, I have learned that
contrary to my popular belief I cannot mentally overcome any obstacle. My body is a very worthy opponent. My body, undermines me at every turn, and
flexes its power (realistically the lack of) every opportunity it gets. This year my body has been my enemy.
It isn’t like I’m a stranger to physical challenges,
I have been literally fighting through life for 24 years. Thus far I have been able to live a reasonably
normal life, despite my poor physicality.
That seems to be changing and I am having a hell of a time accepting it.
I don’t even know that I should, doesn’t acceptance mean I surrender? If you
know me, you know I never surrender. What
then? What do I do with my mind, while I try to heal my body? I am arrogant, I honestly
feel like I can just decide that this isn’t happening to me, and magically I’ll
find a way through it. I’m not this way
for no reason, it has always worked out that way.
I watch everyone around me, play volleyball, dance,
swim, climb, run, crawl, lift, walk, and live a full physical life and I feel
SO left behind. It isn’t anyone’s fault
but I would be a liar if I said I wasn’t a little resentful. If I do participate I just feel like I’m
holding everyone back. I want to run so
bad, it breaks my heart. I want to feel
good, and able, and free of this body.
So what now? What is my solution, what is my future?
I’m tired of watching from the sidelines
while people live.
